Few of us like a Monday morning, but hype Amebo does
for it gives him the chance to scratch the underbelly of Naija’s
entertainment industry and laugh at the good, the bad, and the
down-right pig-ugly, from a week brimming with potential victims.
Hello everyone, I don show. By that I’m not talking about the regular
weekly column, I mean say the real me has appeared. Oya, Fire and
brimstone! But before we start I wish to say a big sorry to all my fans
that had to endure the crap I wrote last week. Yes! I knew it was crap,
but this our journey na for better for worse. If e beta for me, e go
beta for you too. If e bad, then all of us go follow pack go village go
join politics. Another big apology goes out too to all those celebrities
wey no feel my mouth last week. I know you were all disappointed
because I wasn’t up to my high evil standards. Sorry say I no open your
yansh well. But what you should understand is that I’m human. I don’t
possess the superpowers of the devil. Only the devil fit do evil
everyday with sustainable improvement. Maybe my bones were weak, or old
age don catch up with me. But that one no mean say my bad mouth don old,
okay?
The Easter celebration affected me badly. I was almost born again. I
stopped drinking alomo, stop to dey pursue woman, begin pursue dog, left
sex, but I refused to leave gossip, so my pastor excommunicate me from
communion. Una see sacrifices wey I dey make for una? No worry, WE SHALL
PREVAIL! So here are my new promises to you.
1. I promise to continuously feed the pervert in you.
2. I also promise to keep to promise number 1.
God Bless Nigeria, God Bless
Amebo. God bless Our Bad Mouth.
Yemi Sax Shows His Class, Gets A Beautiful Ring-bearer
my new ring-bearer
You all know Yemi Sax, that guy with the huge golden coloured musical
horn that without pay, does a voiceless remix of any top song. And
funny enough he gets paid to blow that horn, with big air from his small
lungs. I just hope he doesn’t fall down because to blow that thing, no
be dodo. Adighi easy (Igbo kwenu).
Yemi obviously rolling in Saxo-cash, engaged his long-time lover,
Shola wey fine well well. See, Yemi, I watched you engage that fine
Oyinbo pepper. You were quite classy, going down on one knee was cool,
but do you think your father did that to your Mama? That Yoruba man wey
your mama dey call kabiyesi, did you actually consult with him before
you decided to dirty the knee of that your fine, stock-jeans? Well,
nothing spoil, love makes a man lose his number 6…and 7.
So the Superstory continued. The sax-man pulled out a note with plenty of poetry from
Darey Art Alade’s book
of past girlfriends. It all felt like one cheap movie. Then when the
ring-box came out, the girl started convulsing, aaawwwwwww….Holy
Ghooooosssst, FIRE!
The young man read his note with a voice that sounded more horny than
romantic, and a trouser that had a bulging Anaconda. I saw it all, and
it was pretty scary stuff. Yemi finally outclassed the girl into saying
“I do” and then she cried. Tears of slavery. Ladies and gentlemen, this
is no engagement, this is how you acquire a ring-bearer. Yemi Sax,
well-done. I hope you marry that fine geh o. If na ring-holder you dey
find, then check Yaba market. Congrats Shola, your ring-bearing days
have just begun.
Tonto Dikeh Winning A Grammy…You Wish.
can you see my curls? and my sexy voice?
Wishes come true only if Lady Luck smiles upon you or bites you in
your butt. But Lady Luck gives fortune to the deserving, and sometimes
the undeserving, but never to the extremely undeserving. Tonto Dikeh
falls in the veli veli Over-undeserving. Why? Ask me well well.
Last week, AY held his yearly Easter show, and like all other shows
he came out to give us our money’s worth of laughter. Imagine people
paying N500,000 just to hold their ribs and laugh their sorrowful
existence away. Na so your life don bad reach sotay u need to buy laugh
into your life. God go deliver you.
So AY did his regular thing, other artists came out, did their
numbers and the mood in the house was lovely until the next comedy act
was announced;
Tonto Dikeh and her band of overpaid
tap-dancers came out to thrill the artist. I called it a comedy act
because to call her songs music, is to insult the word. Na big Taboo be
that!
So Tonto came out, and I almost had a heart attack. AY why?
I saw through it all. AY had gone dry. He had exhausted his armory of
pastor-jokes, so he brought out Tonto to make us all laugh, but she
ended up achieving the opposite. Tonto fall my hands. The girl came out
with her fire-wood waist, the choreography felt like it was directed by a
kind kindergarten teacher, and the songs,…God!
One audience near me, one guy wey don hustle spare parts business buy ticket, screamed, “ AY give me my change”. I no fit laugh.
Another one screamed, “ This one na performance too? AY, I dey suffer here o!”
See, AY, take your time o. We actually buy your tickets to enjoy
ourselves and not to get attacked by the gory site of some wannabe. All
the beg wey I beg that bouncer so that him go allow me fit enter your
show for free no be to come see Tonto. Better take your time AY.
And for all of you on twitter wey dey deceive Tonto say she sabi
sing, God dey see una o. If something good, talk am. If e bad, talk am.
If e bad well well, still talk am. Thous shalt not lie!
And for you Tonto Dikeh, sorry, u hear? Just make sure say in your
next world you come into the world as Celine Dion. Amen. But until then,
stick to acting…we love you where u were.
Jim Iyke-Chan
“Did I say my favourite hobby is breaking heads?”
Last we saw of Jim Iyke, he was at the AfricaMagic Viewers Choice
Awards, looking like the classic Village Headmaster. No laugh na.
Everyone caught up with his daring…and inventive outfit, and started
doing bad-belle. They yabbed him, cursed him, even got to call his yam
leg a yam (a spade’s a spade, even an expensive looking spade, is still a
dirty-packer). While you were all screaming and shouting at him, young
Jim held his peace, kept silent and claimed sexy. He looked the classic
fool, but do you know that you all that were laughing were all close to
your deaths? Not by bombing but by classic Martial Arts.
It’s true. Jim Iyke, the man wey God send come earth make him come
fight, has multiple belts in Judo, Akido, Ti-Chi, Karate, Kung Fu,
Taekwondo and Head-chi. I hear they even call him Master Jim Iykle Chan.
I sha know say the last time I saw him fighting with 2 Huge
Gorilla-looking night club bouncers, I can’t describe the fight, but I
saw bodies flying, head cracking, bones breaking, and Jim Iyke laughing.
He’s a natural at beating people.
So when next you want another word for trouble, just say Jim Iyke
(Amebo dictionary of bad-belle). But be careful, speak of the
devil Jim Iyke, and he appears. You have been warned.
Wizkid, Behave Yourself!
I wish I own the gir…sorry the car.
Wizzy take time o. Last Thursday, Pepsi had a gig in Unilag, and as expected they drafted in their big guns. That being
Wizkid and
Tiwa Savage, and a Rolls Royce. After the gig,
Wizkid started
doing longer-throat. He took the car keys of the Royce, and took
pictures with it. At first, I saw the picture, knelt down and gave
thanksgiving. But no, reports later came in that said it was all for
Pepsi’s show. Vex wan kill me.
Wizkid, you na star. You don big pass borrow pose. That car is worth
just N50M, which is not even enough for your perfume bill. No dey behave
like Mallam Spicy. You are too classy and handsome for that. Buy that
car, now!
Photo Of The Week
“I miss my Dad…”
We understand Desmond, that’s why you look like him…don’t cry, Junior
Tony Umez: When The Cheque Stops Coming In
Tony Umez (Who’s he?), I feel your pain. Once upon a
time, when I still wore pampers and took long drinks from feeding
bottles that looked like nipples, When PHCN was still NEPA, home videos
still rolled out on video cassettes, and Baba Fryo was Naija’s best
talent, Tony Umez was the golden boy of Nollywood. From one cheap
Onitsha-produced movie to the next, Tony was right there. He played
roles from Father, brother, madman, President, tout, fool, agboro boy,
lover boy, Igwe, Amadioha, Pastor and Devil. Life been sweet for the
man.
And you won’t blame him for being that successful because his main
competitors were Segun Arinze (With a scary name like black arrow. Would
you want to hire a Black Arrow?), and Kenneth Okonkwo, who’s unique
mouth reminds everyone of the Lagos canal. So Tony Umez outshone
everyone.
But now Nollywood is desperately trying to be like Hollywood, so
actors with a boil on their noses are being dropped from movie roles. Na
the young, handsome bobo-ish oyinbo ones wey dey chop the pepper.
The long and short be say, things became red for Mr. Umez. So he
switched to a new career in modeling. The guy started modeling headaches
for Paracetamol. Come on, man must chop. The commercial was so boring
that we all had headaches and so had to buy their paracetamol to cure
ourselves. Nice business strategy. You cause the problem to your cure.
But now, the paracetamol deal is dead, and Tony is broke. So he went
searching for a job, and after begging profusely at 51 Iweka Road
Onitsha, he was given a movie. Praise The Lord! But it turns out the
movie,
Room 027 is a soft porn. Tony no send. If he’ll get paid
for pressing the milk out of a beautiful actress’s boobs, then who
cares? Press booby, get paid. Nice, very nice!